Blog Rape

I don't know what you were expecting.
What I'm referring to is the fact I have wanted to write something for ages and haven't had anything interesting to talk about. So I am going to force something out. I am extremely drunk...I mean extremely. I'm not talking a few light beers and a shot. I have consumed an inordinate amount or rum. The Lanky Yank has passed out. She drank her fair share.
I'll spark a cigarette. I really should say fag. I am slowly conditioning myself to say cigarette to avoid any conflict. Americans don't know what the fuck I am talking about half the time. Which is strange considering they apparently speak the same language.
Anyway...
Do you ever find that whilst professing to be working class you blurt out spiel which is to the contrary?
We are all elitists in our own way. I truly believe my semi difficult upbringing(which I don't reveal unless asked by the way) has helped me become who I am today. I believe myself to be a very balanced individual with far more common sense than academic ability. I would love to be able to quote Shakespeare no matter how pretentious but I will take knowing what is going on most of the time and being able to handle most situations any day of the week.
I have experienced a plethora of emotions in my life. Most of which some of you will never deal with. Yet, somehow I still relish each day as it comes. I love living and have never thought about "ending it all" for a second. Let me give you an idea.

I was married at the age of 21. After a couple of years of marriage my then wife(no names) became severely ill. I had to quit a successful job, wanted to, so I could care for her full time. Sadly after a couple of years she passed away. As others broke around me, I thought to myself "fuck you" I'm not going to let anything discourage me from living a quality life. It almost sounds harsh. I grieved, of course I did. I didn't sleep for one second for the first month. I did all the clichéd things like watching videos and crying at pictures all night. No way would I would disrespect my then wife by crumbling and giving up. I could have quite easily turned to drink or drugs, I have before and came out fine on the other side.
All I am saying is. When you fail your exams or your boyfriend dumps you, is that truly the worst thing that could happen to you? Of course not, though if you're lucky enough it might be.
Please, just don't let things get to you on a level that is unnecessary, if you truly value this short life we have, don't waste time feeling sorry for yourself or seeking outside help from, I don't know...God.
It's bullshit, if you want to live a fulfilling life, grab every moment, every desire as hard as you can...and cherish it because tomorrow that bus may well hit you in the face.

Fake Ambition

I often wonder if ambition is just a brainwasher's legacy unfolding.
We all know the types. "I wanna be a doctor, a policeman, a Bieber or Saddam!"
What did your parents do for a living?
"My daddy is a doctor and a policeman by night who sings in a bunker on Wednesdays." Shocker!
I don't know how I did but it seems that somewhere along the line I allowed my own thoughts to come to the fore. Okay, I wasn't brainwashed by my parents. My mother was too busy trying not to get beaten to impart her 16 year old wisdom upon us. Although I wouldn't mind a bucket of KFC right now.

Honestly, I don't mean this in any kind of feel good indie movie way. My sole ambition in life is to be happy. Of course I would like a huge fuck off house, 97 cars and a fridge that feeds me when I'm drunk. Really though, wouldn't you like to wake up with a smile because everything in your life is fucking awesome. Whether it's a partner that makes you feel this way, a job or a Real Doll with blow job lips, it doesn't matter.
Yeah, yeah "If I had 97 cars and pool shaped like a vagina I would be the happiest man alive."
Maybe, but you could still be lonely. Look at all these celebrity fuck ups. They have everything they thought they ever wanted, yet they're still overdosing and dorming with crackheads.

All I am saying is, rethink what you truly want from your life because it is attainable.
No matter what shit God, Allah or your dad throws at you, say FUCK YOU,  I like working at the tampon recycling factory and Bernhard is a sensual lover. If that's what makes you happy, how can anyone else tell you that's not for you?

Quick heads up though, If you take crack you might want to listen to someone other than that chap who lurks in the alley.

Drinking games

To start the evening we are going to watch that New Moon bullshit.
The rules are:

1. Any time the Lanky Yank gets angry because she hates Stephanie Meyer
2. When Kristin Stewart bites her lip
3. Any hallucination scenes
4. When anyone turns in to a werewolf
5. Any Stephanie Meyer appearance
6. Any time we laugh
7. Super cheesy lines
8. When someone bites or alludes to being bitten
9. When Bella is sad
10. If you like anything about the film
11. If Edward sparkles

3 minutes in and we have had to drink 3 times. It's going to be a long night.
Not that I didn't know already but this is utter wank. I have lost count how many drinks we are on. We are only about 15 minutes in. The fact that this franchise is so popular only cements the complete lack of imagination and intelligence of today's youth. Throw in gay men and cat ladies and Stephanie Meyer can buy an island. Typing is difficult, burps are violent. Why did we put ourselves through this?

Who really falls in love with a vampire and a werewolf? Bella of course. She is bland as fuck. Maybe because her life is so dull she seeks the beasts in the night, fuck knows?

You're like your own sun. CLASSIC LINE!

THE END.

Vagina voice

As I type the Lanky Yank is desperately trying to get me to fuck her. It's funny because as a youngster this is exactly the type of scenario I used to dream of.
Is it bad that I like teasing her? You would think I would be straight over there, ready for action. It's more fun this way, for me at least. The more she begs, the harder I refuse.
She's on her period at the moment so the desire is worse than usual. She was just talking to me in her "Vagina voice". It's thoroughly amusing and fun to watch.
She is the most insatiable person I have ever met. I will eventually sort her out as it were but for now I'm gonna tease her some more and watch Ghost in the shell.

When the vagina speaks, all you have to do is listen.

Rum is coarsing through my veins

Sadly, I feel I have drank too much to write anything amusing or interesting. I am the kind of drunk where instinct kicks in. I want sex, food and sleep. I can't have sex because the Lanky Yank is comatose. I would wake her but she felt ill earlier. I remain a gentleman even in this state. I am toying with the idea of making an egg sandwich. Sounds amazing except the fact I will have to stand and work a stove, no more kitchen fires please. Sleep is looking like the obvious choice, although the drink still flows into the 10th hour. I think I have consumed about three quarters of a litre. I feel slow and mindless. Is this what a simpleton feels like everyday?

Anyway, I apologize...

Sugar Cane Guinea Pig

I'm not going to lie. I like a drink, not a few light beers nor a mouthwash of Pinot Noir(I fucking hate wine snobs, you're not a connoisseur you're a pretentious cunt).  I like to consume copious amounts of dark rum. I try to only buy quality brands but sometimes economic frailties don't afford me such pleasures. I'm not even talking Bacardi or Captain Morgan's. Bootlegger and Admiral Nelson spring to mind. As I'm typing I'm supping on Bacardi select, not too bad but I wish had something else. Bacardi make a nice 8 year old rum simply called Bacardi 8, which is beautiful. Now I sound like a cunt.

I hate the way some people see you as a degenerate if you like getting paralytic drunk. There are many a reason to do it. Personally I just like to fuck everything off for a night and be irresponsible. If you want to forget about everything for a night or your celebrating then why not? Of course there are people who don't know their limits and ruin it for the rest of us but that won't deter me.

I'm gonna drink as much as I can now and if I'm able I will write something. Let's hope something interesting comes of it.

Salut!

Foreskin Balloon

Well... I can imagine what is going through your mind from the title. Hold on though.
I'm an Englishman in small town America. I'm originally from Wolverhampton. That's all you're gonna get about me today. Don't worry I love nothing more than talking about myself but I can't be arsed right now, I have pizza to eat.

It seems the one thing the American health system is pretty good at is slicing foreskin. The Lanky Yank as she will be known is not used to that bit extra I have in my trousers. I would say pants but I don't wear any or speak like an American...yet, hopefully never. Ever since we met she has been fascinated with my excess skin, my "dick hoodie". She's always playing with it, which I don't mind of course.
One day she says "Can I blow up your foreskin?" Strangely I didn't see this as weird in anyway and said "YES!". It's now very much a part of our relationship. It feels nice actually, it's nothing sexual. If she blows too hard in can be painful. We just like to mess around with each other. It's amazing how comfortable we are with each other. I feel completely at ease all of the time. I can just be...me.


There you go, you can expect more of the same.